Friday, August 28, 2009

The one where I tell you what it is like to have ADHD as an adult...

Taken and adapted from this article by Edward M. Hallowell, MD

What is it like to have ADHD? What is the feel of the syndrome?

Attention Deficit Disorder. First of all, I resent the term. As far as I'm concerned most people have Attention Surplus Disorder. I mean, life being what it is, who can pay attention to anything for very long? Is it really a sign of mental health to be able to balance your checkbook, sit still in your chair, and never speak out of turn? As far as I can see, many people who don't have ADD are charter members of the Congenitally Boring.

But anyway, be that as it may, there is this syndrome called ADD or ADHD, depending on what book you read. So what's it like to have ADD? Some people say the so-called syndrome doesn't even exist, but believe me, it does. It's like listening to a radio station with a lot of static and you have to strain to hear what's going on. Or, it's like trying to build a house of cards in a dust storm. You have to build a structure to protect yourself from the wind before you can even start on the cards.

In other ways it's like being super-charged all the time. You get one idea and you have to act on it, and then, what do you know, but you've got another idea before you've finished up with the first one, and so you go for that one, but of course a third idea intercepts the second, and you just have to follow that one, and pretty soon people are calling you disorganized and impulsive and all sorts of impolite words that miss the point completely. Because you're trying really hard. It's just that you have all these invisible vectors pulling you this way and that which makes it really hard to stay on task.

Plus which, you're spilling over all the time. You're drumming your fingers, tapping your feet, humming a song, whistling, looking here, looking there, scratching, stretching, doodling, and people think you're not paying attention or that you're not interested, but all you're doing is spilling over so that you can pay attention. I can pay a lot better attention when I'm taking a walk or listening to music or even when I'm in a crowded, noisy room than when I'm still and surrounded by silence.

What is it like to have ADHD?

Buzzing. Being here and there and everywhere. Someone once said, "Time is the thing that keeps everything from happening all at once." Time parcels moments out into separate bits so that we can do one thing at a time. In ADHD, this does not happen. In ADHD, time collapses. Time becomes a black hole. To the person with ADD it feels as if everything is happening all at once. This creates a sense of inner turmoil or even panic. The individual loses perspective and the ability to prioritize. He or she is always on the go, trying to keep the world from caving in on top.

Impulse leads to action. I'm very short on what you might call the intermediate reflective step between impulse and action. That's why I, like so many people with ADHD, lack tact. Tact is entirely dependent on the ability to consider one's words before uttering them. We ADHD-types don't do this so well. It takes a lot of adapting to get on in life. But it certainly can be done.

As you might imagine, intimacy can be a problem if you've got to be constantly changing the subject, pacing, scratching and blurting out tactless remarks.

Many of us with ADHD crave high-stimulus situations. And I love having lots of people around. Obviously this tendency can get you into trouble, which is why ADHD is high among criminals and self-destructive risk-takers. It is also high among so-called Type A personalities, as well as among manic-depressives, sociopaths and criminals, violent people, drug abusers, and alcoholics. But is is also high among creative and intuitive people in all fields, and among highly energetic, highly productive people.

Which is to say there is a positive side to all this. Usually the positive doesn't get mentioned when people speak about ADHD because there is a natural tendency to focus on what goes wrong, or at least on what has to be somehow controlled. But often once the ADD has been diagnosed, and the child or the adult, with the help of teachers and parents or spouses, friends, and colleagues, has learned how to cope with it, an untapped realm of the brain swims into view. Suddenly the radio station is tuned in, the windshield is clear, the sand storm has died down. And the child or adult, who had been such a problem, such a nudge, such a general pain in the neck to himself and everybody else, that person starts doing things he'd never been able to do before. He surprises everyone around him, and he surprises himself. I use the male pronoun, but it could just as easily be she, as we are seeing more and more ADD among females as we are looking for it.

Often these people are highly imaginative and intuitive. They have a "feel" for things, a way of seeing right into the heart of matters while others have to reason their way along methodically. This is the person who can't explain how he thought of the solution, or where the idea for the story came from, or why suddenly he produced such a painting, or how he knew the shortcut to the answer, but all he can say is he just knew it, he could feel it. This is the man or woman who makes million-dollar deals in a catnap and pulls them off the next day. This is the child who, having been reprimanded for blurting something out, is then praised for having blurted out something brilliant. These are the people who learn and know and do and go by touch and feel.

These people can feel a lot. In places where most of us are blind, they can, if not see the light, at least feel the light, and they can produce answers apparently out of the dark. It is important for others to be sensitive to this "sixth sense" many ADD people have, and to nurture it. If the environment insists on rational, linear thinking and "good" behavior from these people all the time, then they may never develop their intuitive style to the point where they can use it profitably. It can be exasperating to listen to people talk. They can sound so vague or rambling. But if you take them seriously and grope along with them, often you will find they are on the brink of startling conclusions or surprising solutions.

What I am saying is that their cognitive style is qualitatively different from most people's, and what may seem impaired, with patience and encouragement may become gifted.

The diagnosis can be liberating, particularly for people who have been stuck with labels like "lazy," "stubborn," "willful," "disruptive," "impossible," "tyrannical," "a spaceshot," "brain damaged," "stupid," or just plain "bad."

Let me leave you by telling you that we need your help and understanding. We may make mess-piles wherever we go, but with your help, those mess-piles can be turned into realms of reason and art. So, if you know someone like me who's acting up and daydreaming and forgetting this or that and just not getting with the program, consider ADHD before he starts believing all the bad things people are saying about him and it's too late.

The main point of the talk is that there is a more complex subjective experience to ADD than a list of symptoms can possibly impart. ADHD is a way of life, and until recently it has been hidden, even from the view of those who have it. The human experience of ADHD is more than just a collection of symptoms. It is a way of living. Before the syndrome is diagnosed that way of living may be filled with pain and misunderstanding. After the diagnosis is made, one often finds new possibilities and the chance for real change.

The adult syndrome of ADHD, so long unrecognized, is now at last bursting upon the scene. Thankfully, millions of adults who have had to think of themselves as defective or unable to get their acts together, will instead be able to make the most of their considerable abilities. It is a hopeful time indeed.


Saturday, August 22, 2009

The one about what needs to be done today...

Saturday.... lovely Saturday. The day G-d set aside to rest and focus on him. I love Saturdays, and try to keep a Saturday Sabbath by not scheduling any events, by not doing extra housework, BUT as a working mama with four kiddos I sometimes end up with errands that must be done on Saturday.

To do today:

  • Pick up RXs (yes, our family with all the special needs, keep the pharmaceutical companies in business)
  • Return library books
  • Pick up gift for birthday party tomorrow
  • Hebrew lesson with kids

Not too much, but enough to make flighty me need a list, so there it is.


Wednesday, August 19, 2009

The one about my much needed vacation without children…part 1

Day 1 of 3

The one where I whine about breaking my cavity free streak.

For 36 years, I had no cavities. I was by no means great at dental hygiene, I brushed once a day at the most, I drank sugary soda and ate candy in bulk. I went to the dentist once a year from a young child until 5 years ago. At that point I found myself without dental insurance. But I had great teeth right? So, I brushed and figured nothing could ruin my streak.
I was wrong. I went in last week for a check up and I had two cavities in my molars. Right next to each other starting in between the two teeth, because according to my dentist, I never floss. One cavity had gotten bad enough to need a root canal. Not having had ANY dental work ever before in my life, when the dentist asked if I wanted to start that day, I answered yes. Two hours, tons of gagging, some pain, and grossness later, I am the proud owner of a temporary filling, which will be removed tomorrow to completely dry out the root and ensure all the rot is gone.
(….pray for me…..)

Monday, August 3, 2009

The one where I share deep thoughts…

My new favorite quote is on a magnet that was given to me as a gift from a student at the end of the school year:
Do not go where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail…
(100 pts if you know who said this)

Saturday, August 1, 2009

The one where I muse on the upcoming school year…

The new year for me always starts inAugust. Not on Jan 1, not on Yom Kippur, but in August. Why? Because I have almost always either been in school, teaching school, or had kids in school, OR like this upcoming year a combination of all three.
First my school plans this year. I will continue to teach parenting classes. Starting August 31st I have a Monday class and a Friday class, both two year old classes. In addition, I will teach a babywearing class once a quarter, AND I am piloting a program by teaching a class called “Parents in leadership.” It is basically a way to organize all of the volunteers, but it will require at least 6 hours a month from me. Not only will I be teaching come Fall, but I will also be a student. I will finish up my level two credential by going to classes on Saturdays, about once a month.
Next the plans for my kids. I am a HUGE believer in the fact that there is no one size fits all approach to education. So I take each child and plan out their educational year. So I would not call myself a homeschooler, or a public schooler. I make decisions on a case by case basis.
Boy#1 will be starting his senior year. He will be attending the local community college on TTh and F, taking Spelling, Basic Math and Auto Mechanics. On MW I will be doing his instruction, with me he will be studying; grammar, GED Social Studies and GED Science. I will also be using Seton Home Study School to teach him study skills and to reinforce the other subjects. As we go along I may buy a curriculum for Social Studies and Science, but I haven’t decided yet. We will start the home subjects next week, and the college courses start August 18.
The girl will be starting 7th grade. She will be attending the Gifted and Talented program at our local public school middle school. She attended this school last year. The coursework she will be doing that all students in grade 7 do is: PE, Exploratory (which is cycling through different electives), Earth Science, and US History. Her gifted program puts her in Honors English, Advanced Chorus and Pre-Algebra. If you count that comes to 7 classes. Most middle schoolers have 6. She has chosen to go to school an hour early each day in order to do 7 classes. School starts for her August 24.
Boy #2 will be starting 5th grade. He will be attending the same class and program he has since third grade. He is in a special day class with the designation “ED” (emotionally disabled). The class has only 5-6 students, a teacher, two aides and a therapist. In addition to regular academics they work on social skills, behavior and managing emotions. The plan is for him to leave the class and join a typical 5th grade for math and maybe science. Hopefully this works out, because he is doing wonderfully academically, making the honor roll last year.
Boy#3 is of the age to start kinder, by Ca standards you have to be 5 by Dec 2. BUT since his birthday is the end of Sept we have decided to wait one more year. He will go 9am to noon 5 days a week to the same school I teach at, but a different class. His class is called TEAM, because it is basically three teachers, three classrooms and 40 or so students all teaming together to create this amazing child led envirnment. The school is modeled after Bev Bos’ school in No-Cal. The idea is that when children are free to explore a rich envirnment they will find what they need to develop and do that. So far it is working, his social skills, his self control, his listening skills and the like are growing. I hope this year he’ll learn a little more fine motor / writing will improve. I’m not sure if he is still not holding a pencil correctly or writing any letters, at what point I will try to instruct him on those things. I do plan on sending him to public school kinder, so he does eventually need to know.
So I would love comments and input.